Book Report: Divorcing Religion

By Gene X. Christian

To cut to the chase: the book “Divorcing Religion” by Janice Selbie is an excellent memoir of deconstruction and leaving religion.

When I read this book, I was struck by some similarities to Selbie’s experience to my own. Here are a few:

• Decades as a believer in the Christian God.
• Came from a high-control faith (lots of rules and shame)
• Experienced deep doubts about faith in their 40s
• Background in fundamentalist beliefs

Her story is one of being brought up in a faith where church attendance, obedience to God above anything else, and knowing all you can about what the Christian Bible says about how to believe, think, dress, and more. It’s a wonderfully sad retelling of her journey about how she was indoctrinated at an early age, and then carrying the weight of indoctrination into adulthood until she started asking questions and thinking for herself.

I so loved this book. It’s a quick read and well written, and I wouldn’t want to say too much. If you’re interested in hearing deconstruction stories as I am, just go read it. Put down the phone, stop the doom scrolling, and read something personal and self reflective.

That said, I do want to pull out a few quotes from the book that resonated with me, and if you’re in the process of deconstructing, I’m sure you’ll find yourself nodding your head as you read like I did.

Here are some highlights:

On growing up fundamentalist

“It seems to be true that either narcissistic males are drawn to fundamentalist religions, where they can exercise authority without question, or fundamentalist religions breed narcissism in boys and men.”

“In a fundamentalist Christian home, one quickly learns that sacrifice is expected in the short term, though not to be rewarded until the long term: Heaven.”

“Which church was the REAL church, where God’s laws were adequately obeyed, and Jesus was exalted? Would members from the other church still get into Heaven? Would I still get to play with the kids whose parents stayed?”

On having an adolescent identity crisis

“Never ones to pass on potential showmanship, Pentecostal circles popularized vinyl record-breaking and cassette-burning nights throughout the 1980s. At these special Youth Group events, Christian youth were encouraged to renounce secular music and toss their favorite tapes and LPs into bonfires, where they would burn in a blaze of glory for Jesus!” (Yeah, that happened at my Southern Baptist church as well.)

“I could rock out to my favorite contemporary Christian music bands like Stryper, DeGarmo & Key, and Petra.” (I saw Petra once but never got to see Stryper. They were too “heavy.”)

On the cult of Purity Culture

“Earnestly believing that the Bible was 100% literal and infallible, I eagerly attended seminars about Young Earth Creationism.”

“So, as is a usual custom for Christians, we set up our own Christianized version, determined to make it much more fun and engaging with no alcohol. We hired Christian musicians and comedians, and lots of young adults from every church in town attended.” (I wore so many Christian t-shirts back in the day that looked like secular brands — “Budweiser” was “Bud, Wise Up” and seek Jesus for example — but were spreading the Christian message. So cringe.)

On base fundamentalist beliefs

“Christians are taught to expect suffering and to bear it well, for the sake of the Gospel.” (Fundamentalist Christians have a HUGE persecution mindset. Everyone is out to “get them.”)

On terrible teachings from one’s pastor

“I had been raised to view bankruptcy as a significant character flaw, to say the least.”

“Wouldn’t God provide for us in our time of need?”

On asking questions

“What possible sin had I committed to merit God’s divine punishment?”

“I remember one evening taking our car out and considering my options. I wanted to drive and drive and never go home. My thoughts became increasingly desperate as the days wore on with no emotional relief in sight.” (I had this exact same feeling in the final months leading to my deconversion, although for different reasons than the author.)

“The lack of having my prayers answered was partly what drove me to thoughts of suicide.” (In addition to driving and never coming back, I considered driving into the river on the way to work on more than one occasion during my deconstruction.)

“Today, I know that Believers often shy away from questioning those who leave because they fear apostasy may be contagious — but at the time I took it very personally.” (I have also dealt with this.)

“I realized that the God I had served was either uncaring or non-existent, and I could offer worship no longer. I was experiencing a truth spoken by Emerson over a century earlier: ‘The mind, once stretched by a new idea, never returns to its original dimensions.’ For me, there would be no turning back.” (Ditto)

Oh my, there is so much good in this book. I really can’t recommend it enough, especially if you come from a fundamentalist evangelical background. Selbie is a Registered Professional Counselor, puts on an annual conference on sexuality called Shameless Sexuality, and continues the discussion on her Divorcing Religion Podcast.

Is it time for you to divorce religion too?

Published on 2025-07-08

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